Dear Sir or Madam,
As we are leaving uni this spring, we are forced to look for ways of earning money that don’t involve prostitution, watching the Simpsons, eating, showing people our new pants on skype, shouting at rabbits and whining about how hard life is and how we need to stop drinking. After a particularly severe two-person anxiety attack, we joined a self help group to help us prepare for life outside the walls (of our flat). When you’ve talked about your week and how immensely difficult it has been, you’re allowed to get yourself a cookie. They’ve taught us valuable life skills we’ll need as we enter into proper adulthood like how to iron shirts without making them even more wrinkled when you turn them over, and Mara has finally learnt what spoons are, because they don’t have them in Germany. In preparation for the job interviews we most likely won’t be invited to, they gave us a list of questions that we might be asked. Here are our answers to these questions, which we think will pretty much guarantee success.
1. Tell me about a big mistake you have made.
In response to this question, weep. Like so:
2. Tell me something about yourself that I
wouldn’t know from reading your application.
“I can’t read.”
3. When was the last time you surprised
“I realized that chewing on your fingernails goes much faster if you just cut them off and sprinkle them on your cereal. I never knew I was such an innovator.”
4. If you had an extra hour in the day what
would you do with it (excluding work or
In response to this question, say “spend it with you” and leer suggestively.
5. What energises you?
“Naked park runs, they are also very good for your immune system.” Alternately, “electric shock treatment”.
6. Describe a situation where you had to deal with someone who didn’t like you. How did
you handle it?
“I slept with them. They like me now.” (PRO TIP.)
7. What is the best criticism you have ever
received from anyone? What did you do
“You would look better with a penis. In response to which I grew a penis.”
8. Can you tell me about a time when you have had to make a decision with incomplete information?
“The time I slept with someone who had chlamydia.” (I thought he only had syphilis.)
9. Tell me about a time when you demonstrated good oral communication skills.
In response to this question, giggle.
10. Tell me about a crisis you have had to deal
In response to this, cry again, and babble something about the mirror, or just say “THEIR FACES WERE MELTED, JOHN. MELTED!”
11. Can you give me an example of when you have done more than your duty in order to provide a good service to someone?
“I gave him a hug after he paid. It was only fair, he was crying.”
12. Tell me about a time when you had to give feedback to someone on their performance in a task.
“I once laughed at someone’s performance. Unfortunately he took it rather badly, put his trousers back on and left. I learnt a lot from this experience and next time, I will be more clear in my feedback.”
13. What was the last book you read for pleasure?
“Is Tight Magazine a book?” Alternately:
14. What’s your favourite film?
“Masters of the Universe.” Save the trailer on your phone and show it if they ask you why.
15. If you were an animal, what animal would you be and why?
“A praying mantis because they eat the people they love and absorb their power.”
16. What is the best shape for a manhole cover? Why?
“Manhole? As in anus?”
We hope this will prove to be helpful to you all.
The Tesla / Mark Twain ship and the fanfic we are currently writing about them. Stay tuned, bitches.
The future, looming over us like a geezer in a wetherspoons. Creep.
We hope to hear back from you soon.
Your mother and your father.